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"I kissed a girl... and I liked it."
Sep. 11th, 2012 12:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
usedtohaveabsWho: Just Quinn Fabray
What: Private Blog
Where: Yale University, New Haven
When: Start of fall semester
So, I made it to Yale, but honestly, it all still feels like some sort of alternate reality or dream. New Haven is so different to Ohio and there's no doubt about it that Yale feels like it's full of people way, way out of my league. I spent so many years trying to be on a pedestal in Ohio and perched up on top of the top rung of the popularity ladder that it feels really odd being here where I'm just another face in a crowd. No one knows who Quinn Fabray is. No one knows her past and all her stupid mistakes. But most importantly, no one cares, either. No one is immediately judging or pointing fingers at the chick who stupidly got knocked up at sixteen when her biggest worry should have been balancing at the top of the cheer pyramid of the squad she headed.
Some days, I can't believe just how much I fucked my life up. Not that it didn't turn out for the better, and here I am... Yale student. But all those mistakes, you think I would have learnt a lot sooner than I did. I floundered so much, and what I never told anyone - not even Puck, who was probably entitled to know - was that I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after Beth and spent my junior and senior years on antidepressant medication. The times I was a complete bitch, I tried to go without the medication, thinking I was better than it. I wasn't. I was sick and I needed it. I could have spared a hell of a lot of people a lot of heartache if I just listened to people who tried to help me once in awhile.
But all that is old water under the bridge. It's baggage I'll always have, but that doesn't mean I have to carry it around with me wherever I go. I can grow up, I can move on, and I can leave the baggage in a safe spot in the past which is where it belongs. Giving my baby up for adoption was ultimately the best choice I ever made in my life. She's happy, she's healthy, and she's safe. Things there was no one I could ever guarantee her when I didn't even know how to be happy myself. And now life has yet again thrown me another curve ball, but this time, I have no idea how I'm supposed to tackle it. I'm sitting here at Yale trying to find my feet and my head and my heart are in an entirely different state.
The thing is, it's not the state that it should be and home isn't where the heart is. The heart is in a place I never thought it would be, and I'm confused. What does all this mean, and why didn't I see it sooner? Is it just because I'm lonely and everything has changed around me? Not even Google can help me with this one. Maybe we made the right choice. Maybe we really should just pretend nothing ever happened and leave it back in Ohio. It was the right choice for everyone, and there was so much alcohol involved. Alcohol is my biggest enemy. It not only stole my virginity, but now has it stolen my sexuality too?
What: Private Blog
Where: Yale University, New Haven
When: Start of fall semester
So, I made it to Yale, but honestly, it all still feels like some sort of alternate reality or dream. New Haven is so different to Ohio and there's no doubt about it that Yale feels like it's full of people way, way out of my league. I spent so many years trying to be on a pedestal in Ohio and perched up on top of the top rung of the popularity ladder that it feels really odd being here where I'm just another face in a crowd. No one knows who Quinn Fabray is. No one knows her past and all her stupid mistakes. But most importantly, no one cares, either. No one is immediately judging or pointing fingers at the chick who stupidly got knocked up at sixteen when her biggest worry should have been balancing at the top of the cheer pyramid of the squad she headed.
Some days, I can't believe just how much I fucked my life up. Not that it didn't turn out for the better, and here I am... Yale student. But all those mistakes, you think I would have learnt a lot sooner than I did. I floundered so much, and what I never told anyone - not even Puck, who was probably entitled to know - was that I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after Beth and spent my junior and senior years on antidepressant medication. The times I was a complete bitch, I tried to go without the medication, thinking I was better than it. I wasn't. I was sick and I needed it. I could have spared a hell of a lot of people a lot of heartache if I just listened to people who tried to help me once in awhile.
But all that is old water under the bridge. It's baggage I'll always have, but that doesn't mean I have to carry it around with me wherever I go. I can grow up, I can move on, and I can leave the baggage in a safe spot in the past which is where it belongs. Giving my baby up for adoption was ultimately the best choice I ever made in my life. She's happy, she's healthy, and she's safe. Things there was no one I could ever guarantee her when I didn't even know how to be happy myself. And now life has yet again thrown me another curve ball, but this time, I have no idea how I'm supposed to tackle it. I'm sitting here at Yale trying to find my feet and my head and my heart are in an entirely different state.
The thing is, it's not the state that it should be and home isn't where the heart is. The heart is in a place I never thought it would be, and I'm confused. What does all this mean, and why didn't I see it sooner? Is it just because I'm lonely and everything has changed around me? Not even Google can help me with this one. Maybe we made the right choice. Maybe we really should just pretend nothing ever happened and leave it back in Ohio. It was the right choice for everyone, and there was so much alcohol involved. Alcohol is my biggest enemy. It not only stole my virginity, but now has it stolen my sexuality too?
