leavinglima | "Dirty little secret."

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"Dirty little secret."

Who: Santana Lopez and Kurt Hummel
What: Survival Celebration and Sordid Secrets
Where: Kurt & Santana's apartment, New York
When: Just after the end of summer

It turned out that Kurt's Hot Dog of Doom was more like Hot Dog of the Gastrointestinal Apocalypse. He had been so sick, with his body completely betraying him from all angles, that Santana ended up dragging him to the nearest ER where he had to spend a few hours on IV fluids for dehydration and they pumped him full of anti-puke medication and Imodium. It was only after that did Kurt manage to finally get some rest. Before, he kept being woken up by his stomach that it made it near impossible to rest. Santana dragged him back home in a cab, he crawled into his bed wishing like hell Blaine could be there to snuggle him, and crashed out in a deep sleep. And he pretty much slept for almost three days straight, save for getting up to go to the bathroom and getting bottles of Gatorade into him when he still had no interest in touching food ever again. Santana had just left him to it, staying close to make sure he didn't die in his sleep.

He had no finally re-surfaced, flopping out of bed and shuffling into the kitchen of the little apartment he shared with Santana. His pyjama pants had slipped down over his hips to reveal the top of his butt cheek and when he found Santana in there making coffee, he yawned, rubbing over his face sleepily with one hand whilst hitching his pants back up with the other. He was less than fabulous-looking right now, hair all in a disarray and crease marks from his pillow up the side of his face. He had paused only long enough at the bathroom to pee and quickly brush his teeth, but he was sure he had still be half asleep for that. On the upside, despite feeling weak in the wake of the food poisoning, the nausea seemed to have abated and in its place was just a sore stomach from the strain of throwing up.

He dropped down into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. "I didn't die," he announced, voice husky from sleep. "And apparently Puck nearly had to handcuff Blaine to a bed in Lima so he wouldn't get on a plane here right before school's about to start. I woke up to 73 text messages from Blaine. I think his next step might have been carrier pigeon."

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Kurt remained companionably quiet, realise Santana would need time to process the things they were talking about. He knew if the shoe was on the other foot, and Blaine had been the one cheating on him, he would want and need to know. He wasn't sure they would survive it and it would crush him if it happened, but it was only fair, no matter how hard it would be, that Santana told Brittany so they could deal with the fact their relationship hadn't turned out they hoped it would. You make adult mistakes, you had to deal with them like adults or you would only make everything all the more worse. Of course, there was a chance Santana wouldn't tell Brittany that particular fact in breaking up with her, but that was Santana's choice to make, not Kurt's. "I don't think you took advantage if she is sexual to start with, darling. She was even pretty full on with me that time I was... doing whatever it was in a painful amount of flannel. You talk about Brittany like she is some sort of wilting flower. She's far from that. She's still a slut, she'll tear you down for her own gain. You need to drop the BFF blinkers, darling. Brittany's not a child. I'm more innocent than she is."

Now he just watched her in concern, and his hand tightened more around hers. "You need to talk to her. You do. How do you think my life would have turned out if Blaine never told me how he felt about me? If he just shoved it away and never did anything about it again? It would never have been near as amazing and mind-blowing as it was. We've established Brittany isn't The One, but what if Quinn is, darling? She hasn't even spoken to me since graduation. I thought I pissed her off, but now, maybe it's not even me she's avoiding. I can help you both."

"I'm not saying I took advantage in having sex with her. She was all about the sex. But she was happy where she was... With Artie. And she didn't want to cheat on him. I lied to her and fucked that whole situation over to get what I wanted. It's not something I'm proud of, but then again, there's not a lot of high school that I am proud of. I think that's the other big thing for me. I have to let go of the things that tie me to that, Kurt. Not you, or my friends, because that's different. Because the fact alone that we're friends is proof enough that I'm not the same person I was back then. But Britt... As much as I care about her, she's probably the biggest symbol of the hardest parts of school, and my biggest fails there." She paused, her dark eyes turning to meet Kurt's. He was right. Then again, he always was, and she kind of couldn't believe sometimes just how in tune he seemed to be with what was going on around him, even when he'd been dead out of it for what seemed like ages with the epic food fail of doom.

Santana's eyes flooded with tears against her will, and she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, holding tight to Kurt's hand as if it were her lifeline. "I know, but... But I never thought of Quinn and me being like you and Blaine on any level. You guys already knew you were gay when you met, and... I just... I can tell her, but it's not going to change anything if she isn't gay, or if it was just a really serious drunken fuck up for her. It's... It's not that she's totally ignoring me. I got... She emailed me, but I didn't know what to say to her, so I didn't say anything. But how can you help us, Kurt?"

"I know you didn't. And I never indicated it was just having sex with her in that you took advantage. Which is why I wasn't exactly following the concept. It sounds like you're trying to say Brittany is young and innocent, and you're the big bad wolf who railroaded her into everything... and I think part of you likes to feel like that with her. No, don't get bitchy at me right off. It makes you feel needed and important in her life to have this control over her, and like she constantly needs you. Or at least, it did in high school. Now high school is over, it's just feeling like a dead weight around your shoulders because it's not the same out here as it was back there. Your feelings are different. But what I'm saying is that Brittany isn't as young or innocent as you have built her up in your brain to need... that's the Brittany you need her to be to need you. If that makes sense. I promise you, though, she is back there coping just fine without you. She always does. She is simple enough, she doesn't need anything complicated to be happy. I think the biggest catalyst here is that you need to get closure on the fact you have lived so long with Brittany reliant on you. It's a two way street. You're not doing her a favour by letting her down gently with this and protecting her, you're doing yourself a favour in admitting that all there is left to your relationship with Brittany is mutual need to need someone. But you don't need anyone. You can survive perfectly without a girlfriend..." Kurt pointed out, and then took another small sip of water.

His blue eyes were still locked on her though when he was setting the bottle back down in front of him. "Just because you don't have to need anyone doesn't mean you don't want someone, though. Quinn might be that person. She doesn't need you, she never has. Maybe that's something to distinctly think about in all of this. And don't you dare throw that 'You guys already knew you were gay' shit at me, because you know that will just piss me off. Blaine and me had a whole lot of other real issues we had to overcome to make us work. So fucking what if we knew we were gay. You really need to learn that your sexuality isn't this concept that can make or break your life or any situation within it. It's just what you are. What you make your life is up to you. You know how scary it was when you were realising you were a lesbian and liked girls, and didn't really know what that meant? Don't you think maybe Quinn doesn't deserve to be alone for that? I can't help you with anything as long as you want to keep burying your head in the sand and running away from everything under the guise of your sexuality making everything so much harder for you."

"No... No, she isn't. I know that she isn't. And... I don't think I ever thought that was what I was doing. But at the end of the day, it really may well be. I'm used to thinking that she needs me... That she really can't live without me in the long run, because that's just the way we always lived. I got used to things being that way, and maybe that's the worst mistake I ever made. I mean, clearly things aren't working out with us, and now, it's... It's like you said. It feels like this huge weight on my shoulders, and it's not one I want to carry anymore... It's like..." She paused there, trying to think of a good example for this that made sense, and then it came to her, perhaps even a little humorously when she really thought about it. "You know when a cat comes into your yard... And it's really skinny, so you feed it, even though it can catch mice or whatever it is cats do on its own? But then you feed it that one time, and it hangs around, because you fed it... You met its needs once, and if you're going to do that, why should it go find its own food? It's kind of like that. Only I do love Britt, and I don't want her totally out of my life. I just can't keep being the one who does everything for her, even if I was the one who put myself in that position in the first place."

Santana sighed quietly as she looked at Kurt, wishing that she had some kind of argument for what he was saying. This was a mess. A major fucking mess, but anybody who'd been to McKinley, of all high schools, had seen some damn beautiful things grow out of messes. This friendship, for one. Kurt and Santana had never been close in the early days. In fact, they had done much more bitch fighting than getting along. But here they were, in New York City, close friends with a hell of a lot of very special things shared between them, including the bond that could only come when one friend saw another puke. "Okay, fine... I've been wondering ever since that night what might happen if me and Q tried something... tried to make something happen, you know? She's... Whether I want to admit it or not, her first huge delve into her sexuality outside of guys was with me, and we've been friends for a lifetime. Of all the people that should be there for her when she's going through this, I'm really damn high on that list..." That sank in very quickly with an air of absolute finality, and Santana looked up at Kurt, an almost panicked look in her eyes. "Oh, my God..."

Kurt was sipping his water again, but watching her over the bottle as he did. His mind briefly jumped to his own relationship and he wondered how he would cope if he heard that Blaine had cheated on him while he was away. The thing was, though, they were each other's first and he was pretty sure they were soul mates. In some different alternate universe if Blaine did cheat on him, he was sure it would be near catastrophic on his heart and couldn't know if they would survive something like that. It made him a little nervous about the distance, but he believed - and hoped - they had the staying power it took to make it through this until Blaine graduated and could come to New York too. They were doing okay so far. Brittany and Santana were a totally different story. It was a different dynamic, and they had hooked up out of convenience more than being love, and now this was what they were facing. "Darling, you don't need anyone to qualify or verifying your existence. You don't need to be needed to be who you are. Not like that. Brittany will be fine. She'll land on her feet, she always does. Hell, I know, she practically ran over me with a bus in the Class President elections and didn't even give me a second thought. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not right. A relationship needs to fill your every fibre, be on your mind more often than not, you need those tummy butterflies when you're going to see them, and then tummy churning when you know you won't. If you're not even close to that, then you need to take a restock of your plans and choices and admit to yourself it's time to try something new and different."

He rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward, his hand touching the back of hers again. "But the question is, do you feel any of those with Quinn? Not just the guilt over the fact you cheated or the regret about cheating on Brittany. Just think about Quinn for a moment. From the sounds of it, it happened quite easily, and hell, you two always clashed so epically I'm surprised blood wasn't drawn more often than not. Do you think that maybe all along, somewhere deep inside, you had feelings for Quinn that just exhibited themselves as bitchy rivalry because she was never an option? You thought she was straight. She was with however many straight guys that weren't right for her. Which, come to think of it, could really be a teller on her own sexuality. You need to talk to her, okay? Sooner rather than later. Because as much as he is pretty much family now due to Blaine, Puckerman is no Dr Phil Quinn should be relying on for her sexuality of girl-on-girl action," he added wryly.

There was so much wisdom in Kurt's words, and Santana couldn't help agreeing as he spoke. Her relationship with Brittany, she'd well and truly realized, was over. She may not have called it that yet, but it was. She couldn't expect it to carry on as it had after she'd not only been with Quinn, but realized that, deep down, she didn't want to be with Brittany anymore. She just didn't. As much as she did care about the other girl, the feelings required for a real relationship were gone. Like Kurt said, there were certain things you were supposed to have in a relationship... certain feelings... and Santana didn't have them. She didn't. Not when it came to Brittany anyway.

But Quinn... Quinn was a different story, and Santana wasn't even sure when it had happened. There had to have been a moment, before they ever got to the point of actually sleeping together, when Quinn had come to mean something to her that she hadn't known or anticipated. You didn't just cheat on your other half with someone you didn't even know was gay when you didn't have some sort of reasoning behind it. She and Brittany hadn't actively been having problems. But something in her had clearly been telling her that their relationship wasn't the right thing for her. And had it been more than that? She had to think that over a little more. But after a few moments of sitting there in silence, she had to look at Kurt, tears starting to fill her eyes, because this was a huge thing to realize. "I haven't... I haven't stopped thinking about her since it happened. And not just on an, 'Oh, shit, I cheated on my girlfriend,' level, but... Worrying about her. Wondering if she was okay, or if she was as confused as me, and not knowing whether or not I should text her or call, because I didn't want to make things more confusing and just..." Her voice broke a little as she turned her hand over to squeeze Kurt's. "Kurt, I want her. I want to figure all of this shit out with her and try to fix it."

Kurt was watching her as she thought things over and he gave her a small point. "You know you're really making me miss my other half. I feel like I need to see him to hug him and tell him how much he means to me, but the bank balances are already really stretched, and I need to just settle for Skyping and texting right now. It feels like months since I've seen him, touched him..." There was a sigh, shoulders slumping a little. This was going to be a really long year. "But you know, New Haven is technically just up the road. Only a train trip away. You know something I truly believe in? Kismet. That sometimes, the world just puts everything around you in alignment to make everything... right. It's there for the taking, and it all depends on whether you take it or not. When kismet intercepts, darling, don't pass it up, because you never know when it will come back to you again. Like the day I met Blaine on those stairs. If I hadn't caught his attention, we would never have been. Kismet only works if you listen to your heart, though, and listen to those directions deep down inside that a practical mind doesn't always let you hear."

He nodded. "All that aside, she's still your friend. If you have been wondering about her and thinking about her, you should get in touch. Friendship shouldn't be taken for granted, and she's away at Yale all on her own, coping with all these changes in her life without any room mate she knows she keep her company and reason it out for her when she can't," he said pointedly and gave her a small smile. "I'm going to take a shower, because I'm gross and I still smell sick. Then I'm going to Skype Blaine and tell him how much I love him. Perfect time for you to email... book a train ticket..." He got up from the table and gave her a nod, hoping she would take the blatant hints.

"Money's a bitch in college," Santana said with a nod. "I've gotta get a job of some kind to supplement the money my mom gave me. Britt's been Skyping me non-stop since I left. I had to pretend to not be online a time or two. I just can't..." She sighed just a little, reaching out to pat Kurt's hand in a symbol of sympathy. "I know what you mean, babe. You two were made to be together... It has to suck ass to be so far apart when all you want is to be there with him." It sounded strangely familiar, and it hit Santana very quickly that she was sort of maybe wishing that she were with Quinn right now, too. "You think... you think maybe things are lining up for me and Quinn to... maybe try something? I should... I should give her a call. I really should. I miss her like crazy."

Then Kurt was not so subtly laying it all on the line, and Santana knew better than to argue. He was right on every count, and she knew it, whether she wanted to admit it or not. After a moment or two, she stood up from where she was seated, and moved to pat Kurt on the shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I... I might not be home this weekend. I'm not sure yet, but I might go to New Haven. I think... I think you're right. It's a train ride away. And Quinn shouldn't be alone."

Kurt puffed out his cheeks with a breath and sighed heavily. "I'm hearing you. As soon as I can get to looking and feeling 100% fabulous again, I'm going out to get myself a job. Hopefully not anywhere near coffee. The Lima Bean for a few weeks was plenty traumatic for me to last a lifetime. I've applied at Vogue, but haven't heard anything back. That was probably totally living with my head in the clouds and wishful thinking, but I say that if you want something, you have to go out and get it. You're not going to get it by not trying. And that, darling, goes for jobs as well as people. You might want to bear that in mind. I think the only way things will line up for you and Quinn are if you go out there and do the lining up. Kismet has already done her bit, but she's not going to make it work for you. There comes a time where you need to bite the bullet. Call her, email her, text her. Something. But for now, I'm going to Skype my cutie to let him know I'm feeling a bit better so he can stop planning an escape route from Lima to New York all Shawshank style," she said in amusement.

He got up and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "You know you want it. At the very least, talk to her. You'll know in your gut and your heart if it's right. Talk it out, don't bitch at each other. Now is the time to break the old habits and explore if there is anything deeper there," he said wisely and then gave her a little wave to head back to his room to talk to Blaine. He was missing him like crazy and he probably wouldn't surface until they spoke for at least a couple of hours.

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"Dirty little secret."

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